As I age and grow more mature in my relationship with Jesus, I notice how much my perspective on events in my life has changed. Particularly events that occurred in my childhood. After becoming a parent, my perspective of a few of those events changed. They changed once again as I became a grandparent. They changed recently about one particular event as my relationship with Jesus gave me a new perspective. It is so amazing how one pastor’s words can open up an entirely new way of looking at the past!
This event occurred when I was five years old and went fishing with my dad one day. We were in a small boat on a small pond. Below is how my mind viewed the event at different stages of my life.
Age Five:
I remember we were slowly moving across the water and I saw water inside the boat. I was certain we were about to sink, then die. In my earliest memories, I recall crying a good bit. My dad laughed and said we were okay. But the shore seemed far away in my five year old perspective.
Teenage Years:
As I became more and more angry at not having my dad in my life, I turned this event into a blaming one. I blamed him for my fear of being on boats. I blamed him for a fear of drowning. I thought his laughter was one of not understanding or caring that I was scared that day. Now, by this time I had been on boats in a nearby larger lake many times. So this blaming was irrational, but it was my teen years which are full of turmoil anyway, right? (Read about our reconnected relationship below).
Early Parenting Years:
I too caught myself having that simple laugh when our kids shared moments of fear over something I knew was safe. Things like learning to ride a bike, going down a slide, learning to swim. Those were all events that can cause great fear for young children. But as a parent I did laugh gently at their fears, just as my dad did at mine that day. I began to see my own childhood event differently.
Grandparent Years:
As I watch my oldest child guide her girls through some of these same fears, I find myself once again smiling at the memories. Memories of the fear through my own eyes as a parent, as a teenager, and as a young child. As I age, I see how those fears were just one moment in a life filled with memories that bring a variety of feelings. But I can also see that those young minds view our adult reactions differently from what we intend.
Child of God Years:
While I have fully known I am a Child of God for almost 50 years now, it was in the past week that I looked at the brief fishing trip differently. The pastor at my daughters church spoke on two events in the life of Peter and his relationship with Jesus. When Peter asked Jesus to call him out of a boat to walk to him during rough winds, Peter took his eyes off Jesus after successfully walking on the lake water. Once he looked away from Jesus, he began to sink. Jesus’ response to Peter rang in my mind all day after that sermon! His simple words “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” quickly caused my mind to remember how I doubted my earthly father on that small pond.
My dad had the knowledge that the boat was safe. He knew there was no reason for fear. I now view his brief laughter (or it may have simply been a smile as he spoke) as an intention to reassure, not frighten me. As a parent, how many times did my own children assume my gentle laugh or simple smile meant I didn’t care? As a Child of God, how many times has God gently laughed at me over needless worries? Did he shake his head at me when I feared things that were completely meaningless? I truly can imagine God’s gentle smile and a chuckle at a few particular events in my life. And I can hear him saying “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31
You can read more about my current relationship with my earthly father in this earlier post:
The Joy in My Journey 