For so many years when I heard the term PTSD, my mind automatically thought of military personnel returning from a war zone.  Many news articles discussed the need for mental health support for our military due to the many hardships they faced in foreign countries. Soon I began to see or read of PTSD as it related to emergency personnel and police officers dealing with the many traumas they faced.  My own dealings with PTSD are very different, yet they are painful for me.  

A few years after the birth of our Thanksgiving Day triplets, followed by the death of our preemie son two weeks after their birth, (on December 7, 1984), I began to notice my mood changes during those two weeks.  Once we celebrated the birthday of our two surviving girls from that long NICU experience, the following two weeks found my mind traveling down a tough memory lane.  I would clearly recall every report given to us while I was hospitalized after my C-section.  I would clearly recall holding my firstborn daughter just before my discharge from the hospital.  I would clearly recall not understanding the many medical terms that soon became part of my everyday vocabulary.  I would clearly recall that early morning phone call from the neonatologist informing us that our son was not expected to live through the day.  I would clearly recall nearly every moment of the next 42 hours.  I would clearly recall holding our tiny little boy once those 42 hours concluded with his passing into the arms of Jesus.  

Once December 7th passed, I began to return to the planning, preparations, and joy of the Christmas season with more joy in my own heart.  When the same rough two weeks occurred each following year, I struggled through.  Some years I shared my feelings with others, some years I did not.   When the “world wide web” finally reached our home in the mid to late 1990’s, I became part of an online community for families of preemies.  Through many discussions with other parents of both preemies that survived and preemies that had not survived, I found common ground.  Many of us had those same stressful weeks and days surrounding the anniversary of the birth and/or loss of our preemies.  As we shared more and more with each other, we realized we too battled PTSD.  After all, the emergency of the premature birth was traumatic, the days spent in the NICU – no matter how long or short the stay – were both traumatic and stressful. (Support for families of preemies)

Despite knowing various techniques for dealing with PTSD, some years it is more difficult than others to power through each day with a smile on my face.  I have yet to recognize the difference between the “easier years” and the “tougher years”, but once those two weeks pass, I find myself relieved once again to have survived all the memories; the good, the sad, and the heartbreaking ones.  Some years, I can watch movies, TV shows, or news reports about preemies and smile as I recall the many miracles our preemies were granted by God.  Some years, I can watch those same items and feel the PTSD weighing me down.  The most recent years now have an additional traumatic and stressful event that overlaps that same time period.  

My mom moved into our home in mid 2016 to begin cancer treatments.  Her last few weeks were tough with her own passing into the arms of Jesus, which occurred four years ago on December 10.  Cancer is such a hard disease to watch someone face.  It was the second time my husband and I had been present while losing a parent to cancer.  His father had passed into the arms of Jesus while hospitalized during his cancer battle many years ago.  My husband and I happened to be there at the time.  Other family members were on the way and had reached the parking lot at the time of his passing. At my mom’s passing, my youngest sister was there with my husband and me.  After many long days and nights of waiting, together we watched her enter heaven early that morning. 

Memories are wonderful things, yet many times the traumatic ones bring about sadness that is difficult to overcome.  For me, writing has helped me greatly as I try and process the feelings they bring.  This year as we approached the four year anniversary of my mom’s passing, I truly struggled the hardest ever.  I am not sure why, but I have a few thoughts.  I think on the first anniversary, I focused intently on remembering positive things and honoring her memory. We also had the joy of our second granddaughter to help us through the season. The second anniversary, we were still in Covid-19 mode in many ways, so the Christmas season was very different for everyone!  Last year, on the third anniversary, we were all trying to return to a somewhat normal holiday season between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I guess my mind has had more time to wander down memory lane.  

As both anniversaries have now passed, my memories have begun to return to happier times.  I have recalled many of the moments of laughter my mom and I shared after the birth of my first granddaughter in 2016.  We enjoyed watching our “baby girl” as she rolled over for the first time at our home, as she began to crawl, then walk and talk.  We enjoyed celebrating two birthdays with our “baby girl”  together. We enjoyed celebrating my mom’s 80th birthday with our “baby girl” by her side.   

I know that each year ahead will once again bring about those tough memories and feelings.  I also know that God will get me through if I just ask HIM to.  I also know that asking for help and support is wise and very necessary.  There is nothing better for me than knowing I can rely on dear friends and family members to pray for me on those days that I struggle the most with the toughest memories.  If you find yourself facing periods of depression surrounding the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, please reach out and find help.  Below is a link to a site for help with PTSD as well as the link from above for support for families of premature babies. And while I know firsthand how difficult it is at times to turn to the Bible when you are deeply saddened, there are verses that can help you through. HE is there for you, with you and holding you!

Help with PTSD Support for families of Preemies

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” Psalm 9:9

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10